1 loyal, constant and steadfast
2 strict or thorough in performance of duty
3 reliable, trusted or believed
4 true to ones word, promises, vows etc

Lately I have been thinking a lot about if I am a faithful person or not. Looking at this definition doesn't leave me too convinced. I can't just say that I am not faithful only when it comes directly to my faith and beliefs, because obviously, when you struggle it isn't isolated into just one area of your life. But today, I think I will write more about my faithfulness, or un-faithfulness for that matter, in concerns with my beliefs. Maybe because the other topics are too messy and personal to expose yet.

In my travels throughout Asia, I have seen so many unthinkably devout people, that really worship. They really appear to be faithful to what they perceive is the ultimate truth. I've seen Hindu's, Muslim's & Buddhists all challenge me on so many different levels on my faith.

There are times that I wish I wasn't so "born" into the church. Yes I recognize the blessing of having generations of faith before me. Even Paul talks about this when referring to Timothy. Maybe things were different back then, or maybe its just my situation. I don't know. But I am sometimes not too sure, what this background of faith really gave me. I grew up going to Church and even went to a Christian school for a number of years. I don't remember taking the scriptures and asking the whys. I don't remember any theological discussions for that matter. My only memory of the Bible, was that I was required to memorize a chapter a month or else I would get detention.
You are reading the blog of a person, who at the age of 10 realized that if she wanted to get out of class early, she could pretend she was "slain in the spirit." I can't believe I actually did that.

Obviously, I have grown up a lot since then. And I really am so thankful for having parents, relatives, friends and pastors that sincerely do pray for me, invest in me, show me forgivness and what it really means to live & love. These are some of the things of growing up in faith that I wouldn't change for the world.
Even over my past few years of being a "missionary", I have learned a great deal. But I am still in a Christian bubble. I know I know, everyone is in some sort of bubble. I'm not even saying that that bubble was bad. God knows, it kept me out of trouble. And I know that most people that have faith have doubts, its part of the package. But I just can't help expressing my frustration. All these questions that I have going through my mind can tend to push me towards being luke-warm. Which I hate, and I know that God hates. So where to go from here? Is there any way to get some solid facts about Christianity without reading the Bible or talking to God? Between all the threads of fake-ness that I have to weave through, where is the real and authentic gospel that I so desperately desire? I want to be a faithful person. I really do, in every aspect of my life. I want to live that definition the best that I can. I don't expect that I will ever "arrive" or that someday my maturity, spiritual devotion or knowledge will make everything come together. I'm not sure anyone can really say they have it all figured out. If they did I probably wouldn't believe them anyways.

I crave more than I have. There is so much information to read, opinions to be heard, theories to understand...it hurts my head.

Ahh, I'm afraid if I write more, I'll talk in circles or not make sense. In fact. I'm not even sure I'm making sense now. Damn you English language.

1 comment:

jacqui said...

han. i love you ... i am praying for you - i think this tour is meant to awaken something in you that makes you stand in
wonder about how FAITHFUL HE IS. let's talk soon.