smoking

I have been smoking too much lately. I hate it, because I can almost feel myself aging and becoming a wrinkly old yucky woman who talks like a man. Once I even saw the blueness of the smoke and I was just like "oh man hannah, that is so nasty" but yet I keep doing it. I always thought I wasn't that bad because I have never been addicted. Its more like, I smoke a few packs here and there, don't smoke for a few months, then smoke on weekends and yadda yadda yadda. Anyways. I have definitely seen a link to my smoking and times of high stress or boredom. Lately it has been the high stress factor I think that has led me to buy my first pack of the year. (For a few weeks I had been bumming off friends)
The other day I was overtaken by so much pain and heartache, that I physically didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to cope. The lesser of all the evils was go sit at a coffee shop and smoke my brains out. I think I smoked about 5 cigs in that one sitting. Augh. Did that ever feel nasty.
But yet, so good at the same time.
My new goal is, to not smoke a cigarette for an entire year. Just picking the starting day has been hard. Especially lately.

This was a weird post. There you have it. I am weird.