mmm new blog take 2

http://athenawrites.wordpress.com/

new look

new blog.

kindofwonderful.wordpress.com

which way to go?

I realize that I've had a hard time blogging lately because I havn't made up my mind if I care about who reads my blog or if I don't.

A lot of time I want to write something, but I am afraid that what I will write will be too vulnerable or honest for those who are reading. If it was just strangers I wouldn't care...but since most people who read this blog are people who know me, I feel like I have to edit out some things I want to say, and then since I have to edit, it makes me not want to write at all.

So I've decided to write on here whatever I want. Sometimes it may be some things that you will think to yourself "You should have just kept that in your journal hannah" or "I can't believe she just said that"...but as we all know when writing sometimes things are exaggerated or emotions are elevated and since I can't seem to write when I'm not just giving it my all, I'd rather write than not at all.
Does that make sense?

So get ready for a new type of blog.

i took a picture.again.

this is me blowing my new camera a kiss...and a pic of the yummy muffins mum has made fresh for me EVERY morning since i've been here. mmmm. muffins....

i love home...

This is a picture of the river by my house in the winter...its beautiful. I have really grown to have an appreciation for my hometown over all these years. I remember when I couldn't wait to get out of here, but now, leaving is sweet sorrow. I know when I left here it was good for me, I needed space, healing, vision, care and new life. But now that lots of that has taken place, when I come back I feel like I really mourn for all those years lost with my family. My family is definitely a family of survivors. We did not have it easy. I am in no way saying we had it harder than most, I know lots of family's go through tragic and awful things, I know I am blessed to have the family I have, to have grown up the way I did, but nevertheless, there was a lot of pain, confusion, anger and stress growing up. Things arn't all better. But they have calmed down, and when I am here at my home, sitting in my sister's room looking at clothes and talking about sister things I am so happy to be there, in that moment, with her and so sad at the same time that these moments are far to short and far between. I think of moving back here but then the question always comes to mind...What would I even do? What is here that would challenge me, where would I work, who would be my faith community?
I've always wanted to work with the church in some aspect, I mean, I have for years with YWAM...am I crazy to think I'd want to be a youth pastor? Yeah. I think I am.

It feels good to post. I need to do this more often. Ok so I feel like a little kid right now because I am sitting by the window looking up every 3 seconds waiting for a big truck to pull into my driveway. DHL. International delivery. The woman told me he'd be at my house within the hour, with my NEW CAMERA.I can't wait to hold it and learn it and take beautiful pictures and put them up here..yayayayyayay

ooxxo love you!
Hann

i like beer.

but i sure am glad i don't have to open it like this!

GOD IS GOOOOOOD....

SO I AM FREAKING EXCITED ... ELATED....AMAZED...

BECAUSE I NOW. OWN... yes I Hannah Christina Grant.... OWN.... A Canon Digital Rebel XTI with 4 amazing lenses, a wonderful deal...and its my first real camera and I am SOO STOKED.
Thank you Jesus, thank you JESUS THANK YOU JESUS!

writer's block.

I have been having writer's block. I so badly want to blog, but I have no idea what about. Nothing exciting has really been going on in my life, there are some new things which I don't want to share with the world yet...and generally...I am doing well.

I've decided to take out a loan to buy the camera that I so badly want. If I'm diligent and save, I should have it all payed off withing 6 months. Not that bad.

See already I'm reading this and thinking about how boring it all sounds. blah. I'll come back later.

Alberta, Alberta

Last night it rained so heavily, and there has been 2 nights of magnificent lightening storms. Something about the power of them makes me feel so small and vulnerable, yet so fascinated and in awe.

I read my Bible the past two nights, and this morning. It feels good to do that, even though most of the time I pick it up, I am so unsure of where to even start.

This next month will be an interesting season for me. I want to make healthy choices, but I am heartbroken. When I look back at this past year sometimes I am surprised I made it out alive. I did some pretty stupid things. I grew a lot. Some days I looked pain in the face, and others I ran from him and his mighty claws. I can tell you though, in my experience, not dealing with the pain doesn't make him stop following you. Some days I feel like I am dealing with the sadness/pain that could have been dealt with months ago if I hadn't have ran away and numbed myself with others.

I am currently terrified of my flesh, old dirty habbits and old clutches of sin that I really don't want to make their way back into my life. Not because I want to be all holy and good...which I do want...but more scared because I know how destructive that path can be, and I really don't want to end up there again. I guess the fact that I am even scared about that is a good thing.

I have not been the best Hannah I know that I can be. I'm not sure if I'd be honest if I said I had been trying either. All I know is that I am really thirsty for God, change, revelation and inspiration.